So I’m sitting in my room, and it’s 1:35am…and it occurs to me that, much like 10th Doctor…
…I don’t want to go.
But, also like 10th Doctor, it’s not truly saying goodbye. It’s regenerating into another person. The same person yet different at the same time.
I’ve been milliseconds away from tears the past couple of days saying goodbye to the kids, my aunt, and my grandma. And tomorrow, I’m going to ugly cry as I say goodbye to my parents.
Of course, it’s not really “goodbye.” We have Skype–which we finally got to completely work on the computer tonight so we can hear AND see each other!–and Facebook. And I’m planning to come home for Christmas break when I figure out when that is.
But it’s goodbye in person. It’ll be awhile before I can hug them. That’s gonna be tough sometimes.
It also occurs to me, sitting here, that I do want to go. I want to go for Younger Me’s sake. See, several years ago when I was still in college, I had horrible social anxiety. I would go to class and occasionally go hang out with a friend (the few I had), but otherwise I would sit in my dorm room watching TV and hanging out on the Internet, wondering why I couldn’t make myself get out and be a little bit more social. I wanted to be social. I just didn’t know how. I wanted to do things and travel. I wanted to be different than I was…but it was hard.
After I graduated, I got a full-time job at Gatton, and that helped me be more social. It made me get out of comfort zone on so many levels. It helped me talk to people and better communicate with them. I realized that I while I loved my students and working with them, I wanted to go to Japan.
Now I have that opportunity. I have something about which some people dream and work toward. And I know that if I didn’t take this opportunity, I would definitely regret it.
So, while I am sad for the moment, I know it won’t be forever. Life isn’t one continuous thing forever and then we die. It’s a bunch of little phases that connect together. This is a new phase, and when it’s over, I want to look back on it and think, “Wow, I had an awesome time. That was a great experience, and I’m really glad I did it.”
Younger Me, we did it.